Conversations :Me Vs Myself

by Anita Menon

“Oh God! Whats happened to you!”  exclaims a friend of mine, when we meet after a year-long gap. While I am arranging words in my head about how nice it was to see him after a long time or something to that effect, his words completely knock me off. I feel all the energy draining off my hands , feet and my heart just goes thump….. thump. .. No no, I am not dead.  But his words kind of made me feel that I should rather be dead. No no, he means well for me… yet it makes me weak, weaker,  weakest ( is there something beyond that as well, then that’s how I feel)!

So let me give you ( or rather myself ) the background. I have had a baby. So normal an act. Whats  so strange, unique about that phenomenon. Nothing you’d say! But the whole process ensures that you gain something monstrous like FAT. And for me it has way more than what anybody would consider ideal. Twenty five kilograms over and above my pre-pregancy weight. Sinful!!

The conversations begin…………

Me : How did I gain so much? I really, honest -to- God, don’t know. As far as I remember ( not foregoing the fact that pregnancy screws your memory to the extent that they are actually altered in the most imaginative way). All I have done is eat healthy through out my pregnancy. Healthy meaning fruits, milk, nuts ( okay I went a bit overboard with them)- really good stuff… steered clear of junk.  This is what I get for being good to myself.. ( of course apart from the lovely bundle of joy, my life, my baby) the weight was absolutely unnecessary. All that hard work in the gym, this is how I get paid?How the hell am I ever gonna run again or attempt the half marathon, like ever??

Myself: People who havent been through the experience can’t possibly understand what you are going through. You got to keep patience, your time will come. You can show them, how determined you were all along. But, the fact remains, it will take time. Only if we( ie me+myself) could see across the time bridge, what lies on the other side, so that we can prepare ourselves accordingly.

Myself: And my dear! you are doing all that you should do in order to lose that tonne but its gonna take time. You are eating the right thing and in the right quantities ( with of course the occasional splurge, here and there, but then my baby will take care of that extra calories…, no worries). You are more than regularly doing your round of walking ( 45 mins), floor exercises, weights. What else can you pack with a baby in the tow??? Give yourself a break.

ME: All said and done.. I am still SO FAT!!! ( correction… not fat but obese)Nothing looks good on me. Once upon a time , I loved shopping and now I dread doing it for me. My mom and dad keep insisting that I do, but I hate it.. I look like a blob, the one you could roll around, push, pinch… yea.. that kind. Indian, western, nothing, absolutely nothing suits me. I am doomed!

Myself: Come on don’t beat yourself like this!! Give yourself a break. You are more than just your looks. It doesn’t define the person that you are. You are doing injustice to what you are as a person and why people who love , truly love you. People love your company, they think you are funny. Like someone told you that you bring out the best in them. How stupid can you get by not understanding all of this.

Me: Okay, so now am stupid also.. So thoroughly useless!! And yes, once you are fat, the other parameters such as, talent, general goodness etc come to picture. Till then why weren’t we talking about these?

Myself: O My God! you women are so totally on the edge all the time! What time of the month is it??

Me: What the heck??You are a part of Me… which technically makes you a woman…too!!!!!

Myself: Can we ever come to a consensus?? Probably not! Thats why I have you and you have me. ( sorry , myself)

Me: What consensus! nonsense ! you are losing the drift here! If we agree how can we succeed in confusing this SOUL??? Thats our job! And I think we are doing i darn well.:)

And so they continue like this in my head! All the time, all over the place, never letting me( or was it myself??? for grammatical reasons I let it be me)  be ! What would happen.. whether I would lose ( as in weight and otherwise) or whether I win, only time will tell. Till then the conversations carry on: ME Vs MYSELF