Go Out There!

by Anita Menon

I am back to square one.

A few posts back, I complained about not able to find my calling. For a moment I thought motherhood is my calling and there is no other job fulfilling than this one. But I realize in bigger scheme of things motherhood is one of those basic things that happen to you just like marriage. Ofcourse I put motherhood at a higher pedestal than that. I would say it’s as important or even more important than marriage. But nobody in their right minds would ever say that their ‘Calling’ is Marriage! Or do they? Well, I haven’t met any one as yet saying so. So I take it that ( after a lot of pondering) that motherhood like marriage cannot be one’s calling. It  is definitely one of those things that you do because you have to do it, because you want to do it and ofcourse its ‘one’ of the things that defines you for the rest of your life. Yet again, it is not my calling. To do my bit in justifying this statement I just made, I would say, I love being a mother. Yet again, it is not my ONLY calling.

Having put it that way, it feels better.

( Nothing lets you put your child, second on any list)

The tone of this post is going to be that of great lamentation. Always the one to believe that destiny will hold my hand and lead me, in all this while, with great shock, I have come to realize that it is not so. Else, I would not be writing this post.

Getting down to the point.

I was flipping through Facebook pages of my friends and I found photographs of a batchmate singing in a band. He had the microphone in his hand and a real band playing behind him. My first reaction was that of intense jealousy because this guy was a very mediocre singer but nevertheless kept singing all the time. Never let any opportunity go when it came to singing in public. He told me once that he was a trained singer, which I did not believe even for an instant. Here, I see him, crooning away to glory in his pictures. So finally he did what he wanted to do. He wanted to have a band and now he has it. My feelings were stirring violently inside me because I was the best singer in college and now I do not sing any more. Did I have anybody to blame, no I did not. It was all my fault. I took for granted my talent and let it lay to rot. There was no point in fretting and fuming. Slowly the lament turned to resignation and I actually felt happy that atleast he did what he wanted to do. He told me that singing was his calling and he answered it!

Another instance was when I was logged on to twitter and found out one of other batchmates, whom I hadn’t been in touch for a very long time, was quite a popular tweeter. She had numerous followers and every other second her tweet would pop up. I decided to follow her assuming that she would follow me too. It turned out, she didn’t. In fact, her following list had very few people and her followers list was enormous. I was a bit disgruntled but it let it pass. I wondered why did people follow her so much and went to her homepage to see, she had a lot of photographs loaded and in one of her tweet, she had invited all her fellow tweeters to her photography exhibition. Then I went through the array of pictures on her album and I was awestruck. They were so beautiful and marvellous. Before this virtual encounter, I happened to bump into her in one of my dance classes and to tell you the truth she was awful. But she struggled and struggled but could not catch up. Ultimately the teacher told her that she might want to try something else or some other form of dance( we were learning jazz). That is when she gave up and stopped coming to class. During one such session, she admitted to me that she was terrible at dancing but she was going to give her best anyways as she did not know what else she could do. I guess she found out that she had that photographer’s eye. Good for her.

Moral of the story: Unless I get out of my comfort zone and do something I am never going to know what my calling in life is. All these above mentioned persons got out there, conquered their fear and did what they wanted to do.  As I sit and type this post, I still feel the presence of the fear of failing lurking somewhere in me.

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